Let’s be honest: some people walk through life like they’re auditioning for the role of “Main Character in a Public Nuisance Documentary.”
And while we all make mistakes now and then, there are repeat offenders out here doing things so annoying, so eyebrow-raising, so soul-draining that a polite “stop it” just doesn’t cut it anymore.
So here’s our humble suggestion: ticket them. Fine them. Hand them a bright yellow citation and make them reflect on their crimes against common sense.
Here are 11 everyday behaviors that should absolutely come with a penalty fee. Don’t @ us. (Actually, do—we live for this.)
1. Walking Four Abreast on a Sidewalk Like It’s a Catwalk
You’re not the cast of Sex and the City, and this isn’t a group therapy stroll. It’s a sidewalk, and the rest of us would like to walk on it.
There is no earthly reason to form a human wall of inconvenience during peak pedestrian hours. That’ll be a $75 fine and a mandatory class on spatial awareness.
2. Putting Your Speakerphone on Full Blast in Public
Nothing screams “I peaked in high school” like holding a full-volume FaceTime call in the middle of a Starbucks. No one cares what your cousin did or who Becky was talking to.
Use headphones or pay a $50 fine for every unnecessary decibel. Repeat offenders must listen to their own calls on loop.
3. Leaving Grocery Carts in Parking Spaces Like It’s a Performance Art Piece
The cart return is literally RIGHT THERE. But sure, leave it to block a perfectly good parking space like it’s your personal contribution to chaos.
We’d fine this $100 and throw in an extra $25 for every witness who rolls their eyes.
4. Blasting TikTok Videos in Public Without Headphones
I do not need to hear another 10-second audio loop featuring a sped-up version of a 2000s hit while I’m waiting for my coffee.
This should result in a $60 ticket and a temporary ban from WiFi.
5. Not Picking Up After Your Dog (and Pretending You Didn’t See It)
“Oh no, did my precious Mr. Snuggles just leave a steaming gift in the middle of the sidewalk? How mysterious.”
If you’re not armed with poop bags, you’re part of the problem. Ticket: $150 and a week of community poop patrol.
6. Bringing Stinky Food Onto Planes Like It’s Your Personal Picnic
Oh, you thought now was the perfect time to crack open a tuna sandwich at 30,000 feet? Bold move, Brenda.
Nothing bonds a row of strangers like the shared trauma of reheated fish or egg salad in a recycled air tube. Honestly, there should be a TSA checkpoint just for smells — and if your lunch fails, you walk.
7. Chewing with Your Mouth Open Like It’s a Competitive Sport
If I can hear your chewing over my own thoughts, we have a problem. Nobody needs to witness the food-to-slush transformation in high-def sound.
Fine: $60 and a required viewing of your own chewing on camera.
8. Taking Up Two Parking Spots Because “My Car Is Special”
Unless you’re driving the Batmobile or a space shuttle, take the one spot like the rest of us.
The ticket should be $200 and a public shaming slideshow projected onto your windshield.
9. Bringing Fish into the Office Microwave
Some smells can’t be unsmelled. Microwaved fish should count as biochemical warfare.
Offenders should pay a $100 fine and bring snacks for the whole office as penance.
10. Leaving Voice Notes Longer Than a Podcast Episode
If your voice note is over 30 seconds, it’s not a message. It’s an audio book. Nobody wants to play detective trying to find the one relevant sentence in your three-minute saga.
Fine: $70 and a transcript request requirement.
11. Standing Still at the Top or Bottom of an Escalator
Why do people treat the escalator exit like a meditative pause point? Keep it moving, Brenda. You just created a human pile-up and a minor existential crisis. Ticket: $90 and an escalator etiquette quiz.
Final Thoughts (aka, Let’s Ticket Everyone)
The world would be a better, faster, less rage-inducing place if we could fine people for these daily crimes.
We’re not saying we want a society full of Karens handing out tickets—but if the Crocs fit… maybe we do.
Got one we missed? Drop it in the comments. We’re making a citizens’ ticket book.